Caught In Confusion

Lately, I've been confused.

As in a state of perplexity and bafflement.

I don't know what I do everyday. I don't give a damn about my schoolwork. Everything seems to be blurry at the moment. I don't know why I'm still alive. It feels like I don't care about A-Level at all. I often wonder have I made the right decision to stay in Institut Sinaran for my A-Level.

Frankly speaking, I'm bored of studying science stuffs. Perhaps it has somthing to do with me being a typical Aquarius, I get bored when I do the same thing over and over again. I just can't help it.

I remembered an English poem that I learnt in Senior 2: The Road Not Taken. When I read the poem, I honestly feel what the intellectual side the poet is trying to convey to me. I feel like I've not choosen the right path in my life, to be exact, studying the art of science. God, how I wish I could turn back time and return to Junior 3 when we have to choose between Science stream or Arts Stream. If it do happen, I would never choose Science Stream 'coz i don't like what am i studying now. Bored actually. I was reading polarisation of light when I realised I don't even know what am I reading. I just had to know what is it to sit for my A-level exam. How ironic!

Studying arts and music has always been my dream. I wish I was an interior designer or even a studio artist or was in some kind of punk band, rather than being a well-known scientist. I wanted to jam like a real band in my life. That's my dream. Sure, I quit my piano lesson when i was 11. But I regret it ever since I do so. If I hadn't, I would have probably sit for my grade 8 exam last year. It feels like someone have just taken my soul away. My happy soul. Then since PMR, I vowed to take music lessons again. This time I chose classic guitar and I never regret since. A friend of mine gave me a broken electric guitar. It's now being repaired so I can play with it after A-Level. Now that's something I'm looking forward to.

And as for my arts... Well, when I was 5, I won a 5th place for an Aladdin colouring competition organised by Maybank. In Primary 5, I entered a My Beautiful Malaysia competition, again hosted by Maybank(why is it always this bank?). I draw a beautiful sunset (from a child's sense) and sent it in just on the due date. I didn't won. But they sent me an official letter to invite me to the Finals in KL. Then I realise it was actually a nationwide children drawing competition and I'm in! Because I don't have the confidence to win, so I rejected to go to KL. Maybank, however, did give me RM 100 as a token of participation. It may not be a lot, but I was overjoyed on the fact that someone do appreciate what am I doing. Someone actually like what I draw. I still keep the official letter you know. Haha, the childish side of me!

When my junior UEC result came out, I just had my eyes on my arts subject. I was happy that I got an A for it. It means a lot to me. I don't care about my Maths and Science. Lols, I'm not bragging. It's just a sense of accomplishment that I willl never forget in my life. Of course you all have something you can do better than others right? Everyone does.

I listened to Cardinal Avenue's Happy(Modern Love) this morning and was busy flipping Junk Magazine, a regional music magazine, instead of my Physics book. Then I realised I don't even know why I feel that I wanted my photo in this very magazine maybe ten years from now. I wanna be the featured artist, I want to be interviewed by papparazi! I wanna produce an album that comprises the punk/rock songs and jazz songs that I whipped out. Lols, I'm mad now! It's something I craved for. Yet it seems so far away from me now...
Give me a sketch book and colour pencils, or even a brand new electric guitar to test whether it's out of tune and I'll be in heaven. You won't get anywhere if you want me to read science books.

Lols. Sometimes, I just feel like I want to dump everything and hide in a place where no one can find me. Yet, I still have to live on. Yeah, yeah I know... I don't have to stressed my self out if I don't like what I'm studying.

I'm still gonna continue to take Environment Science since I've already give my word for it. I choose Environment Science 'coz it's a bit of Biology, Geography, Chemistry and Statistics. Yes, I do like Statistics and Geography mind you.... And I still like Biology. I like to read food chains, pollution, ecosystems and stuffs. Just not some polaroid, superposition of waves, Group VII, man I'm gonna go paranoid at this rate!!!

Gotta go. Gettin' a migraine now. I broke the no-touching-the computer-before-A-Level-is-over rule again... So guys, can you please tell me what am I fighting for? 'Coz I'm kinda befuddled.

P.S. Check out the popfolio player I've just uploaded for songs I 'm currenly listening to: Cardinal's Avenue- Happy(Modern Love) 'coz it rocks!!! Estrella's Stay is not bad too but this is not the original version.